Well

I'm kinda in this impassive stance between caring too much for a boy I probably shouldn't and not giving a damn about any of it. My minds kinda in this fuck mood right now that keeps going back and forth between wanting something and not. Honestly even if he did like me back I don't think I would want to be with him. I don't think I can trust him. Hmm. 

Christmas Time

Well I went home for break and it wasn't all that bad. I got to reconnect and spend time with my grandma. I saw friends and I wasn't harassed (unless you count by bob). I saw my mom for a brief point in time and things went well. We didn't fight and things were civilized.

However she did give me this really nice Christmas present. Didn't I just lecture my grandma on how I hated that me and my brothers were brought up with the idea that material possessions were better than actual compassion? hmm. If my mother thinks for one second that her giving me this present will solve anything than shes wrong.

You can give me things all you want but until i see an actual change then whats the point. Thats all I want for Christmas, my mom to change and actually care for once. Until then I guess theirs always next Christmas..

Happy Holidays!

Boy Take Down

Oh boy. What have I got myself into now. Well for starters I'm at my grandmas house. Me and her made amends and things are going good. Other then that I don't really have a thought on anything else. My mom and me are still on the outs and honestly I'm ok with that.

Now here comes my boy drama. So I started hanging out with this guy named Aaron who seemed cool until i found out he used me and he had a girlfriend, that's not cool. So then I started talking to this new guy who turned out to be Aarons roommate. Lucky me. Now as payback I'm going to get with Jakeb to make Aaron mad. I'm just slightly cynical. Its a horrid habit.

Hell Week

Its that lovely time of the year again where everyone loses there shit over finals. I am not one of those people this year since I already did two of mine last week and did my last one yesterday. No my freak out right now have to deal with me getting my appeal approved for next sememster and because Hunters leaving in 2 days.

Seriously all my friends are being super nice and understand toward me right now because they know I'm about to lose my shit over him leaving but there good about it and letting me enjoy it.

Other than that I'm here until Sunday and then I think I might make my way to Logan to visit some friends, see my grandma, and my little brother. Then I'll probably come back to Manchester or go stay with my dad. I haven't really decided yet.

The Ex

So I just got done meeting Dylans ex girlfriend Danielle. She was nice but I think I'm gonna rate that an 8 on the awkward scale. Lots of quiet moments and wierd conversation. I don't know. A small part of me wishes I was apart of Dylans life like she was but then I have to remember that relationships take time. I love his momma and hope that one day I can create a great relationship with her. 

Thanksgiving Is Coming

Hmm Where does life have me right now. Tomorrow I leave with Dylan to go home with him for thanksgiving. Id be lying if I said I wan't slightly nervous but I'll get through it. Dylan had an interesting weekend. The boy gained his man hood and a small part of me is proud of him while another part of me worries.

Other than that me and Nate are better. I'm still slightly salty towards him but it's nothing I wont get over. Life is alright. Nothing to big has happened. Just kinda keeping things chill.

Awka-workshift

So I have a day of work that normaly wouldn't be anything but that. However I have to spend it with NAte Wynn. You know, that kid I'm not speaking with at the moment. 

Fun thing is, is that he knows I'm mad at him and he's keeping his distance and not saying shit. Works for me. 

Things change.

I was going through one of my other blogs and came across something that really messed with me. 

I kinda look at this list and am a bit surprised about how much of it is no longer true. There was once things I considered great and of a lot of importance and now there just now. Wow. 

HvZ is Fuck

The worst feeling in the world is finding out that the people you thought were your close friends, aren't. It kinda reminds me of the feeling I got when I realize that my family didn't want me and was giving up on me.

To fill you in a bit, HvZ required me to be impartial and rule in favor of who I think is right. When people find out I don't rule in there favor they get mad. Now I fully expected to have a lot of people mad at me but my friends? Nah didn't expect that one. All week long I've been given shit by Nate Wynn and last night me and him finally had it out. I let Basham go and he started yelling and lecturing me along with everyone else. Finally, I snapped.

I began yelling at him just like he yelled at me. Holly stepped in and yelled at both of us. I froze, I knew if I were to continue the argument nothing would of held me back from going after Nate and hitting him. So calmly I took of Nicks bag and gave it back to him and then I turned and left. I sat in the conference room until my meeting an hour later.

Now its the next day and I'm still pissed. I don't want to be mad at anyone but honestly I don't know how to get over it.

Theirs also another part to this story. I guess the hatred for me has spread through all the zombies. They have a group chat that tends to feature my name and pictures of me that people have taken. That doesn't bother me. What bothers me is that my friends sit there and talk shit with them also without backing me up. They don't stick up for me and honestly I'm beginning to wonder if they ever would.

Going To Hell

Things have been beyond crazy. HvZ started this week and since I'm on the eboard for the UGC, this means I have to head the whole event. I love this game so much but I am way beyond tired. Theres this thought that I feel like a horrible person because I am keeping my friendship with Chris alive but then again that's all it is....sorta. So maybe I'm still kissing and having sex with him... At first I felt horrible about this but then I slowly got over it. Now I'm beginning to feel bad about it again mainly because last night I went and "hung out" with my good friend Hunter.


I'm not a good person. I realize this BUT I am trying to change my ways and become a better person. I've started practicing my faith again and am trying to live by the rules of that minus a few tweaks here and there. Ill figure it out I'm sure.

tis what is is

Well you know things have been a little rocky which honestly is to make sense. My friend group has felt the tension of everything and its just been a little bit stressful. My boo Dylan has been giving me the third degree and I just didn't understand. Me him and Nate had a heart to heart today and now me and him are good. '

I'm slightly mad at Myles and Alison but I'm trying not to linger on it. I'm coming home for thanksgiving soon which excites me. I miss all my frands there. I won't really be staying there much since i'm living with my dad in Russiaville.

In other new I found a house for my friends and us to move into next year. We have a meeting with the renter next week and fingers crossed that everything goes well. I really want this to work out. I'm tired of searching for houses.

Prettttyyy Goooood

You know things are kinda in a right place. Chris and I are god friends, nothing more. Hunter and I are friends and I'm not upset by that. Everyone's being pretty cool and no ones really having problems. Schools going great, all my classes are fantastic and I'm doing well in them. Work is always fun, I love how it's given me the ability to me so many people on campus. Last year I knew very little. This year I know over half the campus and could easily talk to them if I needed to.

Things with my dad are working out and I'm actually about to declare myself as a Social Work/ Communications major. Lives good and I'm feeling pretty happy about that.

Halloween

Well Halloween went really well. On Halloween me and Chris actually ended up breaking up because I was always tired of him trying to start fights with me over the stupidest shit. Anyway as a way to get back at him I want to a party with Chris Nate Myles and Alison. It was so much fun. I went to beckly and got my drink on. Ended up hanging out with Hunter a bit which was really good for me and honestly I knew it would piss Chris off.

Anyway then we went to over to Mckenzies to see her band play but switched back to Beckley where I got to see and hang out with a lot of my other friends. It was a blast.

Then you have tonight were we all went to costume bingo. It was so much fun. We didnt win anything but it was still fun dressing up and hanging out with everyone.

Dylan Lauffer

So Dylan.

This boy has earned some of the highest praise I can possibly give him.

Earlier at lunch he asked me what something was on the wall so I turned and looked and didn't see anything. He kept being persistent and making me trying to find it but I saw nothing so I just kind blew him off about it.

Later I saw Hunter and knew it was time for me to get the fuck out of dodge. I told Dylan I was leaving and why and he said he knew.

This confused me, How did he know?

He then went on to tell me that he knew Hunter was there because he watched Hunter walk in and that was the exact time that Dylan begin distracting me with the whole wall thing.


To most people this seem kinda lame. To me this seems like the most amazing thing ever. Dylan is one of a few who have see first hand the effect that Hunter has on me. Hell Dylan has ran me emergency anxiety medicine just because I've freaked out about Hunter. I'm still in awe at him for what he did today.

All the Feels!

I have this problem of taking things and making them much worst then what they should be. I was so upset of the Hunter thing and honestly I still am but I'm getting over it.

Chris and I are dating now and I'm so happy. I adore Chris so much but I have this constant thought in the back of my head that were not right for each other and I cant help but think that's because of Hunter.

I hate how much control this boy has over me. I cant breathe and instantly go into shut down mode whenever he's around. I miss him so much. I was talking to Eugene about it yesterday and I honestly hope that one day I can look back at this as a learning experience or something but right now I'm dying inside.

It's not fair for me to treat Chris this way. I feel like a horrible girlfriend because I'm lusting and dreaming of another man. Don't get me wrong, I like Chris. I like Hunter more though. Chris knows that I had problems with Hunter but I don't think he fully understands how bad they are.

I've begin to let if affect my relationship. My stress level is at an all time high which in return has made me really short with Chris. Him and I are actually on a distance kick right now. He pissed me off yesterday so I made him leave. Now were taking a few days off from each other.

Lets Just Take A Minute

I wish I had the ability to sit and just breathe during fall break but I have a feeling that's not going to happen. I have to work at some point during this break and on top of that I have all this damn drama with boys. My heads confused. My heart hurts and honestly I'm just not in a good place.

If you would of told me..

If you would of told me that I would be so emotionally destroyed I would of denied the thought of it. Don't get me wrong, I knew from day one that I was going to get hurt no matter what I did.

I had two options in my life:

1.) Continue the fun. Enjoy it while it last and then deal with the hurt of him leaving in the end.

2.) Then there was option two where I stop talking to Hunter, stop the fling and distance myself with hope that when he leaves I wont be hurting so bad.

No where in there did I ever think there was an option three, apparently though, there is.

3.)  Now Option three happened and though everyday I feel like my heart is being ripped out and the the world itself is ending around me, It was probably for the best. Option three was me informing Hunter of how I feel with hopes that he might actually like me back .. in summary, he didn't have a mutual feeling and now I can't breath when he's around. My anxiety attacks are a t an all time high. I miss him so much. we never talk anymore. I ruined everything and feel like I lost so much.

I can't help but stop the same questions from running through my head. Why doesn't he like me? Am I not good enough? What did I do wrong? I don't know what to do. I just want to stop the hurting.

I swore that if I tried to move on that would help solve all my problems. It worked in the past right? Guess not, I've been trying to move on by going out with Chris but in all honesty I truly don't like him. Well last night my brain was not working apparently and me and Chris sort of took it a little too far. Needless to say Chris is now lucky number 9. Sigh

The Pain of Lost Love

Hmm

So for awhile I've been saying that I am just taking a break from dating and that I'm not ready for it but I think now its time. Every time I go to get my head rapped around it though I cant help but think that theirs honestly only one guy that I want to be with and the worst part is that he doesn't want to be with me. Hes a senior whos leaving here within two months and I'm only a sophomore whos still working on her life. The worst part is that I honestly feel like crying when I realize that hes leaving soon and then me and him are done. Odds of me seeing him again are slim and that kills me. I like him so much.

There for a while I was trying to distance myself but now I'm kind of in a in between of distancing myself and enjoying what I have while I have it. I've talked to Dylan a little bit about it but nothings really helped me. I don't know what I'm suppose to do but I know that It's all ending to heart break, That's the worst part, I know how it ends and theirs nothing I can do about it.

Everyday I think about whether it was a good idea for me to get involved with Hunter and everyday I have a different answer. I hope one day I can look at this experience with a positive out look and not be upset about it.

SAAC

So if my job in sports information doesn't kill me then me volunteering to do video promotions for the SAAC will. Everyday after classes I go to all the sports practices which in case you didn't know, is a lot. I don't know. I hope that I'm not running myself thin with all the work I'm doing but I'm also really proud with what I'm doing and all the recognition I'm getting.

Life is What it Is

I guess things are going ok. Not much has changed. Me and Hunter still aren't talking and that kills me. Honestly if I wanted to I could go date like a hundred different people but he's all I want :( I need to get over that. He leaves here in a few months anyway and odds of me ever seeing him again are slim.

In other news the plan for me and my friends getting a house is coming along nicely. We actually found this really nice one and I'm starting to get excited for it.

At this current point in my life I am trying to build up the courage to talk to my grandma. I miss her so much but I don't know if I'm ready to let her back in my life. I know for a fact that I'm not going to her house for Christmas. I cant even fathom the thought of seeing or dealing with my mom yet. My grand ma was right when she said she had the choice of who she was allowed to have in her life. Turns out I have the choice to and I think its a good choice for me to make to not be associated with my mother anymore.

All in all there really isn't anything new for me to talk about. I don't really have anything big going on and nothing bad enough for me to file a complaint.

It's What It Is

There's really not a lot of new things going on in my life right now. I'm slowly beginning to set everything straight which is nice but I'm beginning to get bored again which is a little sad. I haven't seen or talked to Hunter since the night we drank and a small part of me really misses him. I miss bob and Knub a lot. I miss the comfort of having people close.

I'm suppose to go home with Dylan for thanksgiving this year but as time goes on I wonder if that what I really want to do. I know that for a fact that I'm not going home. Maybe it would be best on everyone if I just stayed here in the dorms. I don't know what I'm suppose to do or what I want to do for that matter.

I tell everyone that I'm okay with the fact that my parents divorced because everyone got happier but honestly sometimes it makes me miss how easy things use to be. It's hard to explain what's important to you when you yourself don't even know.

The Today and Now

I'm kind of in a weird place right now. I told Chris about my crush without a hesitation. I was just really open with him. I don't regret is either.

Theres also the fact that me and Hunter have been on each other like white on rice. Hes pretty rad and we've just been hooking up a lot. I went to beckley last night and we drank and hooked up. Slightly nervous since we didn't use protection but I'm not super scared.

Catch Up

In a small part of my mind I know that I'm being a hypocrite towards Nate and Dylan. Last year I drank in the dorms but not quite like they are. I took a shot here and there but for the most part I drank off campus and that's something I always stress to people is that if your going to drink then you need to do it off of campus. These last few days Dylan has been drinking everyday doing shots and actually going to class drunk. I don't know it just doesn't sit right with me and I don't want him to get caught and kicked out.


In other news I'm going home to Logan here in a week or so to see Knub and Bob. I think I might bring Nick back with me so he can spend the week up here with my friends and I. I miss that boy so much and after everything he's been through lately I think its time for him to have a change of scenery. I was talking to my dad earlier and I think next year I'm going to live off of campus with my brother up here in Manchester and I'm going to help him try and get his life straightened out.


Schools ok so far I guess. I'm so in love with my job that its crazy. My friends are great but I cant get over the feeling that something is missing in my life. I keep trying to compensate for it with other things but so far nothing is working. I started seeing Hunter again and I cant help but think that it was a mistake. I don't want to get hurt but it looks like im already beginning to. This isn't something I can really share with my friend since there all against me seeing him anyway. Whatever, to each there own.


Its been decided that I am going to Dylan's house for thanksgiving. Hopefully ill be able to handle that. I'm not invited to my own family holiday events and it just feels weird and wrong to make my way into other peoples families. I just wish I had my own normal one. Sigh.


Well its two in the morning and I have to be up here in a few hours of work. I think im gonna head off to bed here in a few but I might do one more lap first. Night.

Schoolish

You know, things could be worst. They can always be worst. However things are pretty good right now. Works going great and I'm actually starting to get some recognition for my art which is exciting because I've actually been published a few times. It's also nice to have an outlook by doing film and photography. School is ok I guess. I've been offered up for a social work practucium which is exciting! I get to travel for a semester and study under other social workers. Professor Barge loves me and would do anything for me!

Transgender

I'm feeling really good about things at this current moment. I was worried there for awhile about my brother and don't get me wrong I still am but I just got out of a meeting with Burdge and she helped me a lot. Last night me and Dylan got into it about how he feels about my brother and more or less I can't even look at him without feeling disgusted. I know its not fully his fault. He was raised this way and this is how he was told to believe but I still cant get past the fact that hes judging Nick. Dylan is the one person I never expected to act like this and he is. It just makes me worry even more about the rest of the world.

Anyway, I have a United Sexuality meeting tomorrow which will be nice and helpful. Burdge also gave me some books to read and I have another meeting with her on Wednesday and then I have a meeting with Danette on Tuesday next week. Things are feeling great and I'm so glad I have people in my life who can help me.

Back to Good

So keeping myself super duper busy is the plan and so far its working. SOL week was sooooo tireding but I am in love with my sol babies! I wouldn't change anything! Now I'm working on my classes and joining some clubs which will help. Work is becoming more and more interesting now that I'm in charge of designing the interface for the online web streaming for the athletic department. Hopefully it's not to insane because I really do want to join MAC this year. Other than all that things are good here and I'm in a better place. Things back home worry me a bit but its what it is and I have no control over it.

SOL and Mom

Ok I'm going to try and make this short and sweet because I'm actually kinda tired. So this week is SOL week! I just finished my training today thank god. I only have three more days which is a blessing in disguise because it turns out my partners and I don't really see eye to eye. I'm just at the point where I bite my tounge and let things happen there way.

Other then that I'm off for tomorrow and then I help people move into the dorms Saturday. Dylan moves in then too! I am way excited.

My mom called me today to yell and argue with me. I didn't even bother to argue back. Pretty much she summed up the argument by telling me that she was no longer paying my insurance and that she wasn't going to give me my plates either. Bitch.

Other then that I no longer have any more ties to my mother.

And I'm Here

I am officially moved into my dorm. God I have so much stuff! The day before I left was amazing. It was the best night of the summer and I'm so glad I got to spend it with my friends. I miss them so much and its only been two days! I start SOL training on Tuesday and then I have a date with Chris on Friday. After that my SOL babies move in on Saturday! I am way to excited for this!

I guess your probably wondering how my letters went over. Well I gave them to them. No one said anything to me except my father. I let my mom know that I'm not coming back. She didn't care. The first night at school I kinda regretted the concept of my letters but now I'm glad that I did it. They might not think anything of them but in time they will come to realize that they came from the heart and were real. 

I think the biggest thing that I'm struggling with is the fact that my brother came out to me as a transgender. I guess I should of seen the signs but in all honesty I still didn't see it coming and it still hasn't fully registered. I love my brother no matter what but hes my brother, not my sister. I'm really trying to be there for him since this is so much harder on him then me. I can't imagine what he's going through and I can't imagine how hard its going to be for him to come out to my parents who are both major homophobes. I'm just glad he has Emily who is super ok with it. 

Other then that I'm just preparing for school to start and I'm really hoping to start out on the right foot. 

Assets of Time

It always amazes me with how merely a couple of minutes can change everything. A week ago I wrote my mother, grandma, and father a letter that I planned on giving them right before I left. Within the last few days my mother and I have been fine and I just talked to my grandma and she seems ok. I don't know. I still think I'm going to give them the letters but the after effects probably wont be as extreme. I had plans of staying with Knub during Christmas break and not going to my grandmas or mothers house.

Distance and time has always been my greatest assets and I think it would just help everyone if I disappeared for awhile. My family gave up on me this summer and that left me relying and creating a new family. Its amazing the new kind of perspective that your given when things change. You truly realize what you have and who to be thankful for.

I still love my family dont get me wrong but its hard to be around someone when you know at any moment they can just drop you. I never cared much for the saying that blood was thicker then water. This summer just proved that it was stupid. I'm not going to put the full blame on my family because I guess in a small part it was also my fault. I guess at some intervals I did disrespect my mom and I didn't help out around the house. BUT was the really a reason to disown me?

I've been left with new questions that I will struggle to answer for a long time. I have new understandings and new problems now that I am left to deal with. My ability to trust people is not really existent. Anyone can promise you something and screw you over. So yes, time will help but at some point I'm going to have to do something on my own.

And Life Goes On

I'm not sure where to even start with life and such. This last week alone I have been kicked out of my house 3 times. Threatened. Disowned. And Disregarded. Where to I stand now in everything? I wish i knew. My life has now come to a point where I consider my good days as days when my mom will merely tell me she doesn't like me. My bad days are when my mom tells me I'm a mistake and am no longer allowed to live in her house, and my worst days are the days where my family actually decides to disown me.

These last few days have been some of my worst days of summer so far. I knew in the beginning that this summer was going to be a hard one and it turns out it was way worst then I thought it would be. I thank go every day thought that he gave me Andrew and Robert. With out either of them there would be no way I would have made it through this summer completely intact. Last night alone I hung out with bob till 5 in the morning because my mom didn't want me in the house. I told him my biggest wish and it actually broke his heart.

I could of never figured that bob would feel worst for me. I always felt like he had it worst then me in life. Either way it was nice having someone to talk to. Going to college will be a good thing for me. I'll get away from all the stress of my crazy family and will finally get to relax. I won't have Robert and Andrew around very much anymore but we've all made plans to move in with eachother next summer. THANK GOD! God knows I couldn't re-do this summer again at my moms. I do make one promise to myself. I will never live in this house again! Ever!

Ready for School.

I just spent 6 hours writing a paper and here I am continuing to write some more to update my blog. My brain is fried but I figured while I'm on a role I might as well update my blog.

So life has been pretty good. I had a heart to heart with Dylan and now I feel a lot better about going back too school. I've started working on my SOL stuff and am actually counting down the days till I go back to school. I have so much stuff that I have to get done but I'm just happy that I'm feeling a lot better about things now. I know I'm going to miss Knub Bob and Chuck so much but they've all promised to come see me and Dylan promised to help me get through it all.

I have a doctors appointment Thursday to get my anxiety medicine back so things will be gucci it looks like. Just trying to keep my head high and not look at things in a negative way. God knows if I do that then they will actually be negative.

Life in the here and now

At the beginning of this summer I really was in a huge state of depression. I had no idea how I was going to get through the summer and I was so ready to get back to college. Now though things have changed. I'm beyond happy and honestly don't want to go back to school in the slightest.

I met some very amazing people who I hope will forever be in my life. I'm going to try this year out at school and hope for the best but honestly if it doesn't work then I'm not staying.

Confrontation

Confrontation. Is it even worth it? Here I am stuck in between confronting a person whose been talking about me behind my back. I'm use to people talking about me so its not like I'm really upset about that but its when they say something to another person and that person thinks bad of me that makes me mad. Is it worth bringing it up, fighting, arguing and never really fixing things. Or should I just ignore it like all the other time and let them continue to go about themselves. I don't know.

Just Crushin' Don't Mind Me

So There's this boy..

Yea I know I've said that before and I'm sure Ill say it again in the future

However this is one boy that I already know that I have no future with and that I just in generally cant be with him. So many people would be pissed and to be honest the only reason I'm remotely attracted to him is because he's a rebel without a cause. I love a "bad boy". I've always said from day one that I hate that mushy love crap. I want a guy whose an ass but when he needs to be he'll be there for me and be sweet.

Anyway I'm only in crush mode with this kid right now and I'm planning on smashing it before it becomes anything else. I can't afford to fall for him. It would actually turn out worst then any other guy I've fallen for now that I think about it.

The Here and Now

I'm caught in a weird sort of place in my life right now. Everything that I once thought was important is beginning to lose its meaning to me. At one point in my life I would of sworn my loyalties to my friends and thought nothing of it. My high importance of Dylan has been made small and almost unimportant. Within the last few days Dylan and I have been talking and I keep finding myself getting more and more shitty at him. A long time ago me and him talked about how we can't be in relationships because we realize someones flaws and focus on them so much that they ruin the relationship. I think that's finally happened which is weird because I never thought it could happen with him.

The significant impact the Jordan's had on my life is monumental. The realization that are friendship like it use to be is now coming to an end kinda hurts. I loved Jordan and I still do. He's changed from the man I fell in love with to this stranger that he's in love with. I told him from day one many years ago that before everything else I am his friend and no matter how much it hurt this is the time when I have to be his friend. My Buzbee is gone, this new guys is here and I've just got to get use to him because he's not going anywhere.

I'm stuck between being excited and being nervous for going back to school. Theirs a high probability that Dylan won't be coming back and to be honest I think I've accepted that and i think that I will be ok with that. It's  Holly that I'm nervous for and to be honest theirs a higher probability that she wont be able to come back then Dylan. Either this year is going to work out in some way and be great or its going to be a very boring struggle.

Gay Marriage in Indiana

So if you didn't know there has been this really big thing on gay marriage in Indiana. It started with Indiana wanting to make it so that gay marriage would be banned altogether. Then over the summer some people became smart and said it was unjustified to make gay marriage illegal so they made it legal! Well it was legal for like half a day. Indiana actually had some couples that went and got married!

For some reason they decided to make it illegal again and they actually told the people who got married to ignore the fact that they got married and that it wasn't real. The people who got married are now in a huge court deal claiming that there marriages were legal when they happened and they should still be recognized. Whoo Go them!

Venting For A Moment

I don't want to write alot of personal stuff on here but every once in a while I think i'm going to have to do a vent post or something.

I'm trying to get back into more drawing and reading like I use to do. I keep thinking about my tattoo "Imagination is the only weapon in the war against reality" I got that to remind me not to take things to seriously. One of the things that always made me dream was reading. I love the places it can take and you the dreams that it can give you. Since I started college thing got to serious. I never left room to dream.

So there was this huge thing with me trying to make sure that Dylan came back to school. I'm pretty sure that he's coming back, knock on wood, but I don't know. Somethings changed between us now. I still love the kid don't get me wrong, but I don't think I'm in love with him. I said from day one that I didn't want to be with him and I meant it, but now I know I don't want to be with him. I think I decided this the other day when me and him were talking about his new girl but for the most part I'm ready to get out and find me my own guy.

Speaking of guys, what the fuck is up with them lately. Jordan is no longer Jordan. He's changed to the point of me not even wanting to have him as a friend. He just pisses me off so much. The there's Eric. You know I'm starting to think that this mans in line with Hunter. Both of them are shady bastards. Granted Hunter was straight up with the fact that he wanted to just hook up. Eric never really wanted that, he wanted to date but then he started to disappear.

I keep thinking about school. This years going to be very different I have a feeling. Everyone's dating someone, I have to put more of a focus into school and in general I think its just going to be a really matured kind of feel. I'm ready for it. Honestly this has been one of the longest, most boring summers of my life and I can't wait to get back to having fun people to hang out with. I miss the random bull shit that we always did. I miss having people who cared and listened. I miss all the intellectual conversations. God I miss that the most. Seriously so many people think that they can hold a conversation about something smart like healthcare reform or a new law that's passed. Honestly they can't. I go to a school where on a daily basis I have to write papers about this stuff and do research papers on it. I know what I'm talking about and it makes me so mad when someone says I'm wrong. I've just gotten to the point where I don't even argue with them. My moms the worst when it comes to this. I hate to say it but intellectually I've surpasses my mother and stimulating conversations with her are hard to come by.

Alright then theirs the current problems of my dad. For the last year I've been telling myself that I'm over all the stuff that my dad did. Recently though my Philosophy teacher asked me to write a bio of my life for a project. I've been working on it slowly and most recently got to the subject of my parents divorce. The more I write the more I realize that I'm not over it. I'm still really mad at  him. It actually disgust me to see him and talk to him still. His immature attitude is what kills me the most. I don't feel like I have a right to be mad him though. he's done so much for me this last year that I know I should be grateful but in all honesty it still doesn't change anything.

Last Post

So I'm kinda in love with my last post and think I might actually talk a lot about controversial things in Logansport or anywhere. Next time I think Ill enlighten you with all this bullshit gay marriage reforms in Indiana.

Controversy

As of recently Logansport had begun to employ police officers who ride bikes around all the parks in town to keep track of events and to make sure that nothing bad it happening.

I like this idea because not only is it a healthier alternative but its also nicer on the tax payers check books. All in all its a good idea but Its the comments from the community that are starting to bug me.

A majority of the comments are about how its about time the the police will be taking care of all the bad kids in town and they can no longer hide. Others are talking about how they never needed cops like this when they were kids.

Heres my thoughts on that:
 For people to sit here and blame it on the kids is wrong.I'm not saying that there isn't any bad kids bit its the fact that those kid have parents, and those parents are the ones making comments about the cops. If they would of just raised there kids right and not let them run wild on the streets then we wouldn't of had this problem. Or wouldn't of had such a severe point of this problem.

Fresh

It almost feels healthy to start a new blog. I'm not saying that my last one was bad or anything but I was just so tired of everyone getting on it and yelling at me. This one it free to the world. The little wonderers of the internet can find this and enjoy it but for the most part I don't plan on letting anyone I know see it. I feel like I need to start this blog out with a new revelation of something but in all reality it was sort of made out of desperation for the new.

I mean I guess I cant start this out with the fact of me trying to come to terms with change. Like most people I really hate change with a passion. Coming home from college I expected to have all my friends here the same and nothing changed. I guess though like me they changed and I have yet to be able to accept that.

There were the big changes like Buzbee who lost his innocence and found his way. This one kills me the most because I never expected one of my best friends to change so much. He was my rock and I always expected him to stay that way. He's almost unrecognizable now and I don't know really how to cope with the loss of the boy who actually wanted to listen to my sorrows.

Then there was the silent but subtle changes that only become more clear the more time that I spend with the person. I never though Sierra would change. It's not like she left and went on her own. Though now that I sit and think about it she had to change. All or most of her friends left and went to school. Her sister left and so did her friends that stayed here. She was on her own to finally decide what she wanted to be and who she wanted to be. Shes starting a career that'll continue to take her everywhere. I can wrap my mind around the fact that this caused her to change so much but Sierras always been one of those people that'll go do what she wants.

I can't really say much for my other friends. I guess they changed slightly but not enough to actually show a difference. Within the last few days I think I've made some wrongs and the only way to fix them is to suck up my pride and apologize. In the back of my mind I know theirs the possibility that its not gonna change anything but I will feel like the better person. I don't have to be in charge for me to be better. I just have to have an acceptance and a true understanding of what going on.