Back to Good

So keeping myself super duper busy is the plan and so far its working. SOL week was sooooo tireding but I am in love with my sol babies! I wouldn't change anything! Now I'm working on my classes and joining some clubs which will help. Work is becoming more and more interesting now that I'm in charge of designing the interface for the online web streaming for the athletic department. Hopefully it's not to insane because I really do want to join MAC this year. Other than all that things are good here and I'm in a better place. Things back home worry me a bit but its what it is and I have no control over it.

SOL and Mom

Ok I'm going to try and make this short and sweet because I'm actually kinda tired. So this week is SOL week! I just finished my training today thank god. I only have three more days which is a blessing in disguise because it turns out my partners and I don't really see eye to eye. I'm just at the point where I bite my tounge and let things happen there way.

Other then that I'm off for tomorrow and then I help people move into the dorms Saturday. Dylan moves in then too! I am way excited.

My mom called me today to yell and argue with me. I didn't even bother to argue back. Pretty much she summed up the argument by telling me that she was no longer paying my insurance and that she wasn't going to give me my plates either. Bitch.

Other then that I no longer have any more ties to my mother.

And I'm Here

I am officially moved into my dorm. God I have so much stuff! The day before I left was amazing. It was the best night of the summer and I'm so glad I got to spend it with my friends. I miss them so much and its only been two days! I start SOL training on Tuesday and then I have a date with Chris on Friday. After that my SOL babies move in on Saturday! I am way to excited for this!

I guess your probably wondering how my letters went over. Well I gave them to them. No one said anything to me except my father. I let my mom know that I'm not coming back. She didn't care. The first night at school I kinda regretted the concept of my letters but now I'm glad that I did it. They might not think anything of them but in time they will come to realize that they came from the heart and were real. 

I think the biggest thing that I'm struggling with is the fact that my brother came out to me as a transgender. I guess I should of seen the signs but in all honesty I still didn't see it coming and it still hasn't fully registered. I love my brother no matter what but hes my brother, not my sister. I'm really trying to be there for him since this is so much harder on him then me. I can't imagine what he's going through and I can't imagine how hard its going to be for him to come out to my parents who are both major homophobes. I'm just glad he has Emily who is super ok with it. 

Other then that I'm just preparing for school to start and I'm really hoping to start out on the right foot. 

Assets of Time

It always amazes me with how merely a couple of minutes can change everything. A week ago I wrote my mother, grandma, and father a letter that I planned on giving them right before I left. Within the last few days my mother and I have been fine and I just talked to my grandma and she seems ok. I don't know. I still think I'm going to give them the letters but the after effects probably wont be as extreme. I had plans of staying with Knub during Christmas break and not going to my grandmas or mothers house.

Distance and time has always been my greatest assets and I think it would just help everyone if I disappeared for awhile. My family gave up on me this summer and that left me relying and creating a new family. Its amazing the new kind of perspective that your given when things change. You truly realize what you have and who to be thankful for.

I still love my family dont get me wrong but its hard to be around someone when you know at any moment they can just drop you. I never cared much for the saying that blood was thicker then water. This summer just proved that it was stupid. I'm not going to put the full blame on my family because I guess in a small part it was also my fault. I guess at some intervals I did disrespect my mom and I didn't help out around the house. BUT was the really a reason to disown me?

I've been left with new questions that I will struggle to answer for a long time. I have new understandings and new problems now that I am left to deal with. My ability to trust people is not really existent. Anyone can promise you something and screw you over. So yes, time will help but at some point I'm going to have to do something on my own.

And Life Goes On

I'm not sure where to even start with life and such. This last week alone I have been kicked out of my house 3 times. Threatened. Disowned. And Disregarded. Where to I stand now in everything? I wish i knew. My life has now come to a point where I consider my good days as days when my mom will merely tell me she doesn't like me. My bad days are when my mom tells me I'm a mistake and am no longer allowed to live in her house, and my worst days are the days where my family actually decides to disown me.

These last few days have been some of my worst days of summer so far. I knew in the beginning that this summer was going to be a hard one and it turns out it was way worst then I thought it would be. I thank go every day thought that he gave me Andrew and Robert. With out either of them there would be no way I would have made it through this summer completely intact. Last night alone I hung out with bob till 5 in the morning because my mom didn't want me in the house. I told him my biggest wish and it actually broke his heart.

I could of never figured that bob would feel worst for me. I always felt like he had it worst then me in life. Either way it was nice having someone to talk to. Going to college will be a good thing for me. I'll get away from all the stress of my crazy family and will finally get to relax. I won't have Robert and Andrew around very much anymore but we've all made plans to move in with eachother next summer. THANK GOD! God knows I couldn't re-do this summer again at my moms. I do make one promise to myself. I will never live in this house again! Ever!