Dylan Lauffer

So Dylan.

This boy has earned some of the highest praise I can possibly give him.

Earlier at lunch he asked me what something was on the wall so I turned and looked and didn't see anything. He kept being persistent and making me trying to find it but I saw nothing so I just kind blew him off about it.

Later I saw Hunter and knew it was time for me to get the fuck out of dodge. I told Dylan I was leaving and why and he said he knew.

This confused me, How did he know?

He then went on to tell me that he knew Hunter was there because he watched Hunter walk in and that was the exact time that Dylan begin distracting me with the whole wall thing.


To most people this seem kinda lame. To me this seems like the most amazing thing ever. Dylan is one of a few who have see first hand the effect that Hunter has on me. Hell Dylan has ran me emergency anxiety medicine just because I've freaked out about Hunter. I'm still in awe at him for what he did today.

All the Feels!

I have this problem of taking things and making them much worst then what they should be. I was so upset of the Hunter thing and honestly I still am but I'm getting over it.

Chris and I are dating now and I'm so happy. I adore Chris so much but I have this constant thought in the back of my head that were not right for each other and I cant help but think that's because of Hunter.

I hate how much control this boy has over me. I cant breathe and instantly go into shut down mode whenever he's around. I miss him so much. I was talking to Eugene about it yesterday and I honestly hope that one day I can look back at this as a learning experience or something but right now I'm dying inside.

It's not fair for me to treat Chris this way. I feel like a horrible girlfriend because I'm lusting and dreaming of another man. Don't get me wrong, I like Chris. I like Hunter more though. Chris knows that I had problems with Hunter but I don't think he fully understands how bad they are.

I've begin to let if affect my relationship. My stress level is at an all time high which in return has made me really short with Chris. Him and I are actually on a distance kick right now. He pissed me off yesterday so I made him leave. Now were taking a few days off from each other.

Lets Just Take A Minute

I wish I had the ability to sit and just breathe during fall break but I have a feeling that's not going to happen. I have to work at some point during this break and on top of that I have all this damn drama with boys. My heads confused. My heart hurts and honestly I'm just not in a good place.

If you would of told me..

If you would of told me that I would be so emotionally destroyed I would of denied the thought of it. Don't get me wrong, I knew from day one that I was going to get hurt no matter what I did.

I had two options in my life:

1.) Continue the fun. Enjoy it while it last and then deal with the hurt of him leaving in the end.

2.) Then there was option two where I stop talking to Hunter, stop the fling and distance myself with hope that when he leaves I wont be hurting so bad.

No where in there did I ever think there was an option three, apparently though, there is.

3.)  Now Option three happened and though everyday I feel like my heart is being ripped out and the the world itself is ending around me, It was probably for the best. Option three was me informing Hunter of how I feel with hopes that he might actually like me back .. in summary, he didn't have a mutual feeling and now I can't breath when he's around. My anxiety attacks are a t an all time high. I miss him so much. we never talk anymore. I ruined everything and feel like I lost so much.

I can't help but stop the same questions from running through my head. Why doesn't he like me? Am I not good enough? What did I do wrong? I don't know what to do. I just want to stop the hurting.

I swore that if I tried to move on that would help solve all my problems. It worked in the past right? Guess not, I've been trying to move on by going out with Chris but in all honesty I truly don't like him. Well last night my brain was not working apparently and me and Chris sort of took it a little too far. Needless to say Chris is now lucky number 9. Sigh

The Pain of Lost Love

Hmm

So for awhile I've been saying that I am just taking a break from dating and that I'm not ready for it but I think now its time. Every time I go to get my head rapped around it though I cant help but think that theirs honestly only one guy that I want to be with and the worst part is that he doesn't want to be with me. Hes a senior whos leaving here within two months and I'm only a sophomore whos still working on her life. The worst part is that I honestly feel like crying when I realize that hes leaving soon and then me and him are done. Odds of me seeing him again are slim and that kills me. I like him so much.

There for a while I was trying to distance myself but now I'm kind of in a in between of distancing myself and enjoying what I have while I have it. I've talked to Dylan a little bit about it but nothings really helped me. I don't know what I'm suppose to do but I know that It's all ending to heart break, That's the worst part, I know how it ends and theirs nothing I can do about it.

Everyday I think about whether it was a good idea for me to get involved with Hunter and everyday I have a different answer. I hope one day I can look at this experience with a positive out look and not be upset about it.